“Unfrosted” knows it’s bad and seems pretty okay with it

The concept of a pop tart movie is inherently ridiculous. So to actually create such a movie requires a certain amount of charm and deftness; you have to keep the silliness in check and let the humor form naturally. Unfortunately, Unfrosted didn’t get the memo. Jerry Seinfeld’s directorial debut doesn’t care to be anything other than a big joke which makes it uninteresting and rather migraine-inducing.

Written by Seinfeld, Spike Feresten, Andy Robin and Barry Marder, the film follows Bob Cabana (Seinfeld), the head of development at Kellog’s, in his neverending war against competitor, Post. Marjorie Post (Amy Schumer) proclaims that the company will soon unveil a new breakfast pastry item which sends the culinary Cold War into overdrive. A series of escalating deals and alliances involving the milk industry, the Soviet government, and even the White House, crescendos into the creation of the universally lauded trat-pop. Well, that is until Walter Cronkite misreads the name, creating the Pop-Tart.

If you feel silly reading the above description, believe me, writing it was worse. But the problem with Unfrosted is not the concept; an espionage struggle between breakfast conglomerates has the potential for laughs and insight (though a feature length film may be pushing it; a series of SNL skits might be more appropriate). The problem is that Seinfeld and crew have no interest in making a good movie.

Absolutely everything is treated as a joke, from the characters to the plot to the acting to the cinematography, which looks like a pastel-coated infomercial. There is no straight man to bounce comedy off of, no one to take seriously, no one to sympathize with. There isn’t a story so much as mindless inertia hurled off the screen, hoping to distract you long enough before cutting to the next scene, an editing venture that feels like an acid trip designed by Gen Z Keebler elves. It makes for an eyeball rolling experience of wasted potential.

It’s a shame because there are actually some good jokes scattered about, from dumpster diving kids concocting their own breakfast pasty trash treat to a cereal funeral where milk is poured over the casket while a widow cuts banana slices to go with it to malicious milkmen who don’t want to be pressured out of the next big thing. And with a cast that includes Melissa McCarthy, Christian Slater, Hugh Grant, Jim Gaffigan and James Marsden, the collection of talent could have indeed crafted something resembling a story with purpose.

But there is no purpose. No one seems to care that much and the result is obvious onscreen. Unfrosted is lazy, banal and forgettable beyond its concept. The idea of a pop tart movie held such (ridiculous) promise, but the inmates took over the asylum.